I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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