drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
