i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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