OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
