alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
