I CAN MOONWALK!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
