Please don't use social media to get back at me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
