i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
