the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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