he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
