Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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