You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
