Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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