Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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