shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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