U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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