Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
