I want to stick my p in your. b.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize