I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
