i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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