One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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