Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
