Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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