I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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