I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
