can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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