I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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