My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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