I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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