history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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