life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think my moral compass just broke
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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