I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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