i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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