I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
