so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
