I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
