the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
