I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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