I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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