Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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