Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
