his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
