omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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