I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a burrito and a hug.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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