I'll bet she douches with gravy.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
