I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
