John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize