You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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