Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
