Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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