Will you blow on my dice?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
