anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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