I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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