I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
