i already hear my dad disowning me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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