so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
