he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
should my penis look like a turkey
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
