Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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