Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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