I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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