toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
